Soft and Nice: Qualities That Male (and Female) Bullies Can’t Resist

Someone who took a course in “picking up girls” mentioned that he has spoken to a few of the guys who took the course with him years ago. He complained that they are now “hard-edged” and had a “locker-room mentality” that was downright mean-spirited, in his words.

After writing a comment, I realized it wasn’t the typical sympathetic “me too” pat on the back, or feel-good chatter about finding “balance” or “passion”. Note that the “you” referred to below could be any “you” who you know in life, or you in particular. The ideas apply to everyone who has dealt with feeling excluded from a group — which is probably everyone on planet Earth, regardless of gender.

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Possibilities:

A. “exclusionary stuff they got from others growing up”

B. “they think that you gotta be TOUGH to do this”

I’ve rarely met anyone who responds well to “emotional vulnerability”, male or female — particularly when there’s nothing to be gained from listening to someone being “vulnerable” at you.

Learn to express yourself in ways that don’t make you seem “angry/haughty”, and also don’t leave you open to the “locker-room meanness” that you’re complaining about.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re whining about how other guys aren’t being nice enough to you. Don’t expect anyone aside from your family (if you’re lucky) to be “nice” to you just because you choose to be “vulnerable” to them.

Who told you that it was anyone’s responsibility to be soft and nice to you?

I’m honestly curious, because that world doesn’t seem to exist aside from in the minds of people who desperately want to feel special. The irony there is that everyone believes they’re special, and that means that very few people have any time left to care about anyone but themselves. Then they get their special feelings hurt and become angry and haughty, and try to “pass it on” to the next person.

Realize that learning how not to see yourself as a soft little victim of those mean locker-room boys isn’t just useful in pick-up (note: women can and will be more cruel to you than men ever could). Learning to communicate using the requisite qualities for the specific situation (softness, toughness, and whatever else in between) is a skill that you will need to navigate _life_ effectively.

This is both your problem and your opportunity. Stop whining and start learning.

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P.S. There are times when others may commit acts of emotional abuse against you. Women will often do this as a form of punishment — especially if you’re not projecting the “alpha” qualities that she may believe are necessary in a man (beliefs that often arise as a result of her own arbitrary social conditioning). In fact, much of the so-called “inner game” of seduction is obsessively preoccupied with that “Be Alpha” fantasy.

You may be dealing with relatively new “pickup artist” guys who are still trying to sort out what that means, and how to integrate the appearance of being the “Alpha ape” into their previously “Beta” personalities. If you feel like someone is truly trying to victimize you, either fight back or leave.

There are times when we actually may be victimized; that is, helpless to stop abuses being committed against us in the moment due to lack of skills, being outnumbered, or being psychologically unprepared. No single human being is infinitely or indomitably strong.

I don’t want to trivialize the word “victim” under some blustery idea of “acting like a man”. In the social sphere, however, you’re the only one who will care enough to stand up for yourself — or exit and find a new group or partner. The first step in changing your outcome is to become aware that you have a choice, whether you’re dealing with men whose respect you want to earn or women whom you seek to share a mutual experience of love.